Lyrics On My Mind

Let’s try this whole blogging thing again.

The news: I’m engaged!

Tahahaha, I am absolutely not. For those who have been following along, a fake engagement announcement is how I started all two of my 2022 posts, and I couldn’t help but try it again because I’m so hilarious and clever. This is the last time or is it.

Unrelated to fake engagements but related to this blog, I would like to say props to myself for successfully navigating the new WordPress look (I don’t know how new it is, but on my end, guys, everything looks different, and I’m already getting too old to adapt to these sorts of things; I barely know how to use my iPhone [yes, I switched from an Android to an iPhone; it is the source an ongoing identity crisis).

What’s changed, and what’s new?

Not much and everything. We’ll get into that at a later date if I actually keep posting. I’m still following Jesus, still part of the church I’m helping plant in Texas, still getting my socks rocked off by Jesus’ kindness. But I’ve been changed.

I say “omg” and “lol” out loud a lot now, and I’ve got a middle part. And did I mention I’m an iPhone user now? Ahem. All topics for another time.

Okay, enough chit chat. I’m writing a blog post because I want to hype up a band I’ve been listening too recently (besides The Gray Havens).

Gable Price and Friends

Okay, one night back in 2020, I was swimming in the depths of Spotify and got down some sort of Alternative Christian music rabbit hole and came across a song called “Dead Man” by Gable Price and Friends. And then I found “Touch Your Robe” from the same EP. They went onto my 2020 playlist, and I worshipped to them so much through that fatal fateful year.

Now, literal years later, I’ve started to actually listen to more music from Gable Price and Friends, and now here we are. Gable Price is now on my list of people I want to meet in heaven. The lyrics are unique–blunt and up front and also layered in metaphors–the sound is kind of punk rock-y, good driving music, good crying music wait what.

So we’re just going to chat (er, actually no chatting, just a written TedTalk from yours truly) about some of lyrics/songs by Gable Price and Friends.

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“You can’t kill your demons if you make ’em your home“ – “Demons“ by Gable Price and Friends.

Talk about a one-liner.

Wow. It instantly makes me think of times when I’ve given myself to sin–of when fear has come on me with all sorts of anxious feelings and I’ve laid down and let it take over, of when self-pity whispers poison to my mind and heart and I just let it set up shop and sow division and fear, of when I not only listened to lies from comparison but viewed the world through a lens of comparison. This line always feels like a splash of cold water.

There’s another line–“You talk a lot, but the game isn’t won from the parking lot.” Bruh.

I think the whole song is about actually getting in the fight against the things that we suffer under–whether sin or depression or anxiety or whatever. It’s about actually fighting, about doing, about living out the truth instead of just saying the truth or just talking about all the things that are hard. At least that’s how I understand this song and why I love it.

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How did we end up here?
How did we get so far?
‘Cause my key to your door doesn’t seem to be workin’ no more
How did we end up here?
How did we get so far?
I sat at your porch and I cried at your doorstep for hours

It feels colder than the winter
I wonder if I slipped from your mind
Would you let me in for dinner?
I’d kill for just a bit of your time

I find it easy to love you
But not so easy to trust you
You talk of houses on hills
But who’s paying those bills
And who’s frontin’ those fees? – “Easy to Love You” by Gable Price and Friends

I love worship music so much, hymns and contemporary music alike, but there’s something about Christians writing songs that aren’t simply for church worship. There’s something about songs like this. When I first heard it, it was like things I’ve felt toward God in times of suffering or doubt put perfectly into words with metaphors that just made so much sense to me.

That feeling of lostness that comes when the things you used to do to be close God are now routine and he feels far away, feels like he won’t let you in (“Cause my key to your door doesn’t seem to be workin’ no more”). Then the creeping fear that you’ve been forgotten and abandoned and the desperation to get back to a place where you hear his voice clearly and he feels close by or the desperation that comes when it feels like he’s overlooking you (“I wonder if I slipped from your mind… I’d kill for just a bit of your time”). And then the skepticism that comes wondering if the Father has the means to come through for all the goodness he promises (“You talk of houses on hills, but who’s paying those bills…“).

After a time following Jesus, a sturdiness, a steadiness should form in maturing Christians, but there are still seasons that will come where the Father’s voice seems far away, seems like the zeal and golden love from the beginning has faded and someone changed the locks. Even though how it feels doesn’t mean that’s how it is, there’s something comforting to me of someone putting those feelings to words and expressing some of the difficulties of following Jesus (easy to love, harder to trust; how quickly the fear of being abandoned by the Father rises; etc.).

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They say the truth will bring you to your knees
That it might make me a better me

But not before it rips your chest out
And not before it puts your back against the wall
There’s a painful coalition
A cardiac collision involved
The truth might set you free
But first it’s gonna set fire to your house
It takes what you’ve been trusting
And breaks it down to nothing at all – “How It Sets You Free” by Gable Price and Friends

This is the one that got me.

I had their latest album on in the background while I did something (maybe my annual cleaning of my room?) and these lyrics just clicked in my head.

I don’t know what it’s been like for other people, but for me, facing the truth–having to repent of sin, having to admit I was wrong, having to admit that the rose-colored glasses I view myself through are not always accurate, being truly humbled before God, all that jazz–is super painful and hard. I can think of so many instances where I felt backed into a corner by the truth, and I could either swallow painful truth and be renewed and change my mind/my thinking or go on in willful disobedience. For me, these are always hinge moments–where something turns, when I must give up a false idea or mindset or view, watershed moments that become landmarks for a before and after.

Recently, this looked like repenting of bitterness towards some of my friends. I’d felt for a while that something was off in my heart toward them. I tended to have a short fuse with them, wanted to believe the worse, wanted to be hypercritical. It isn’t how I normally am with my friends, and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was exactly, couldn’t quite name it. Finally I prayed about it, something like this:

“Father, this is a little awkward since I’ve been in denial about the way I feel for quite sometime…”

*clears throat*

“Anyweys, I think maybe something is off in my heart towards so-and so.”

*cough cough*

“I don’t know what, can’t name names, but something–maybe, I dunno, the fact I get angry at them when I shouldn’t–makes me think it isn’t good and maybe you could tell me what and, uh, we could do something, ahem, about it. Together. You know, or something.”

After praying about it for a few weeks, it became pretty clear that all these feelings I had towards these friends were the fruit of bitterness, and then I was still in denial. It looked something like this:

*my regular day-to-day life*

Holy Spirit: “Why does it make you angry when people speak well of so-and-so?”

Me: “I doN’t KNoW.”

Holy Spirit: “Isn’t this how bitterness has looked for you in the past?”

Me: “UGH, mAYbE, I DOn’T KnOW.”

Holy Spirit: “Why don’t you want to see them?”

Me: “NO rEaSOn. C’MoN, gimme a BReAk.”

Holy Spirit: “It’s bitterness.”

Me: “That seems a little extreme, don’t you think. I am A Mature Christian^TM, and I don’t get bitter or struggle with sin in my heart.”

Holy Spirit: “You’re going to go for that lie again?”

Me: …. …. …

*repeat the whole thing six or seven times*

Eventually, I came to terms with me sinning against my friends in my bitterness toward them… sort of. I mean, I knew I was bitter, but I wasn’t that bitter, and it wasn’t that big of deal, like, why would the Holy Spirit keep bringing it up. Gosh, like, just leave my alone and chillax, it’s not that bad. Like I’m just a little bitter, but like no one knows and maybe we can just go another year and a half with minimal interaction with these friends, like I can just avoid them on Sunday mornings and it’ll be fine.

Kids, I kid you not, that is where I was at.

But living in the truth means facing the truth, and by some miracle (what could it be? God’s grace again????) I was able to stop minimizing my sin, take responsibility, and repent. But it was a struggle. The truth had to devastate my ridiculous I Do Not Sin Anymore self-image and put my back against the wall so I couldn’t wriggle away from reality any more.

That’s why I love “How It Sets You Free“. The truth, the reality of my own sin, is pretty hard to look at and speak completely truthfully about. It’s easy to want to cut myself some slack when what I need is to have my house of false ideas burned to the ground.

Obviously, there are other ways the truth sets us free, but that’s a topic for another time.

*insert creepiest mwhaha ever*

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The perfect polished pastor cannot save you
Your Meyers or your Briggs won’t buy your sins
You can break the alabaster on a podcast
Deconstruct the light till none can be let in
Self discovery can only get you so far, baby
You’re heaven sent and only home will set you free
There’s a middle eastern Man, with holes inside his hands and he’s out to get you – “Ten Percent” by Gable Price and Friends

I’m sorry, but what? I gasped out loud when I heard this bridge for the first time.

“Ten Percent” is about us only giving Jesus 10% of our hearts, and the cost of living only a little bit for Jesus. This bridge is fire. That part where it goes “deconstruct the light till none can be let in” was straight up shots fired. At a time when so many people who grew up in the church are hopping on podcasts and deconstructing their faith and then (a lot of times) rejecting it and/or rejecting ultimate truth, this seems wildly pertinent.

I look back on the day Jesus saved me and the others who were (supposedly) saved too but now have walked away from Jesus and his Church, and it sobers me. It also encourages me because this band is around my age, and some of the lyrics of the songs make me think (but I don’t know for sure) that Gable Price grew up in church and has some similar experience as me. I don’t know. For some reason, this song seems oddly relatable?

Also I love how that casual reference to Jesus at the end of the bridge alludes to him as the one who saves, the one who buys your sins, the one who brings light, the one who sets free, and how he’s bent on having his people.

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Wowza, we’re already over 2000 words for this post, sorry, kids. I’ll call it quits before it gets too crazy long. Suffice it to say, I’d recommend giving Gable Price and Friends a listen.

To any faithful Penprints followers or new readers who tuned in for this entire ramshackle post, thanks. Had you heard of Gable Price and Friends? What lyrics are jumping out you from your current music favorites?

Further up and further in,

Rosalie

p.s. – just know it went against every bone in my body to not write a Valentine’s Day post about singleness. Yes, I recently listened to a podcast called “Is singleness superior to marriage?” and yes I also was sad and cried on February 13 because I don’t have no boo thing and then spent all of February 14 living my literal best life and being confused why I was sad about being single the day before. Nothing new there.

p.p.s. – for the uninitiated, “Boo Thing” is a term that refers to one’s significant other; I will use it to refer to significant others. And also, as it turns out, almost every single person other I encounter. It just comes out of my mouth before I can stop it, and I say it to a lot of people. And one of these days I will tell the mailman or some man buying a present for his wife at my work, “Thanks, boo, have a nice day.” And then I will go die.

p.p.p.s. – also, if you’re going to listen to Gable Price and Friends, but sure to give “Underdressed” a listen.

p.p.p.p.s. – I have an Instagram again. I may delete it. We’ll see, lol.

Place (volume i) [a poem]

Lolz, hello, my faithful followers.

I won’t say where I’ve been or what I’ve been up to except that… I’m engaged!

LOL, nope.

If you fell for that trick a second time, it’s not on me, it’s on you. By now, you should know that if I fall off the face of the earth for a while and come back saying, “I’m engaged!” it’s definitely code for “I am not engaged”. It’s simple language, guys, get with the times.

Anyweys, ahem.

I have a free form poem to share that I wrote this spring. I like it. It was helpful to write. I hope you like it too. I hope it’s helpful to read.

I know:
My place is with You
And that doesn’t change.

My place is with You.
My home is with You.

And You’re not
Giving away my place.

You won’t:
Displace
Misplace
Replace
Me.

That seat beside You
The one at Your table:
It’s mine.
Always has been
Always will be.

So I don’t have to fear:
Losing any other place
Not my place in another person’s heart
Or my place in their life
Or my place among Your people
Or my place at work
Because:
My place is
Irrevocably
With You.

Part of me fears
Has always feared
But won’t always fear
That You’d give my seat away
To someone
Better
Healthier
Stronger
Steadier
More obedient
More faithful
More beautiful.

But You didn’t give me
My seat
My place
For any good reason in me.

I wasn’t:
Beautiful to catch Your eye
Or witty to charm Your heart
Or lovely in spirit to woo You
Or strong to fill some lack in You.

I was:
Broken
Scarred
Some things bent far out of place
In the deep places of my soul
Crippled
Wallowing in my own filth
Trapped and dead in sin
Unable to even comprehend
How revolting I should have been to You,
You, oh, Lovely Son of heaven.

But You:
Require no more beauty
Need no more strength
Lack no power
That You would look outside Yourself.

But You:
Invited me in
Chose me
Loved me
Called me
Redeemed me
Out of the abundance in Your everlasting heart.

You told me:
There’d always be
A place for me with You.

You washed my wounds
Washed me clean
Dressed me in:
Your own respectable robes
Called me by:
Your righteous family name
When as yet
I was not
Am not
Respectable or righteous.

And You gave me that seat
Right next to You
Forever invited to Your table
Never to be uninvited
Never to be unwelcome
Never to lose
My place
With You.

And so I am
And so I will be
A cripple
Dining at the table
Of the Good King
My Good King.

And so I am
And so I will
Fit forever into
Your kingdom
Fit forever into
The place You picked for me
The seat
The role
The calling
The life
Of just being invited
Of just being welcomed
Of just being loved
By You.

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That’s all for today.

Further up and further in,

Rosalie

p.s. – I’m working on some Content^TM to share, so keep a weather eye on your inbox.

p.p.s. – I also rejoined the Instagram world. After Tony Reinke AND Andrew Peterson both released books without my knowledge, I realized I wanted to get back onto social media. I feel sooooo much better about it and am in a better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, grammatically, and economically than I was before with social media. Don’t ask me what I’m doing there because I don’t know. Like maybe it’s a personal Insta account just for lolz (I know, I need to stop saying “lol” and “lolz” but it’s just so… accurate), but also maybe it’s just an aesthetic account with slow motion video, but also maybe I’ve been toying with infographics and acting like I’m some sort of Professional^TM or Influencer^TM (who am I kidding–in my mind I’ve been an influencer since birth). My pictures are black and white and awesome looking, I will say that.

I Yet Live [2021 in a nutshell and looking forward to 2022]

*blows dust off blog*

*squints and looks around*

*taps microphone*

Hello?

*really bad feedback*

Did I fall off the face of the earth for like a year? Yes, yes, I did that. It was I. I’ll admit it was me who in fact did that.

*coughs awkwardly*

But I yet live, and it’s time to get back to business.

What’s new?

I’m engaged!

Lol, no I’m not. I thought it’d be funny to throw that out there for the lolz, especially for the extended family wait what I would never.

What’s new (for realz)? This will cover the tail end of 2020 and all of 2021. After that I’ll reminisce about 2022 (yes, I said reminisce. About the future. Because I can do anything here, boo.)

• My small group multiplied (translation: the group of people that I meet with from my church to discuss the Bible and grow in community got too big to be one group and so we split into two groups).
• The 2020 election happened. Yep. I remember thinking the 2016 election cycle was a doozie, and now we all know better.
• I left social media, no regrets.
• I moved!–still in Texas, still part of the same church, just a new house and new roommates.
• The Gray Havens released their new album Gray Flower track by track (thank the Lamb for that).
• I saw Jesus save some people very dear to me and got to see them baptized (best. day. of. my life.).
• I haven’t been doing much novel-writing in the last year or so…
• But I have been doing some songwriting!
• I turned 23.
• Lost some more idols, survived, know Jesus better, etc.
• Survived Snowmaggedon in Texas (maybe I’ll write a post about it because it’s coming up in the one year anniversary and it was wild; it made Covid look like the kiddie apocalypse)
• Had several identity crises and have found myself in Jesus a little more each time.
• Broke my coffee addiction.
• Rekindled my coffee addiction.
• Harbored unforgiveness and bitterness, Jesus said, “Don’t do that”, and I repented.
• Used to think repentance was beating myself up until I was “sorry enough” but by God’s kindness to me through friends, small group leaders, and the Bible I learned what repentance actually is (a future blog post perhaps?)
• Lost some more ambitions and aspirations because God’s call on my life is better than what I could want for myself.
• Fought with a close friend, sinned against her a lot. Reader, she forgave me. I’ve never known reconciliation like this. The blood of Jesus is truly miraculous.
• Locked my keys in my car. With my phone. At a sketchy gas station. At 10:00 pm. I survived.
• My ol’ Volvo (the Daydream) died on the side of the road. 25 of my friends from my church pitched in and bought me a car (like wait, what? They did what?). Reader, this is a really nice car.
• Through being gifted the extravagantly beautiful car, I learned a bit more the abundance in God’s heart for me, that he doesn’t give the bare minimum but that his love goes, and has always gone, above and beyond.
• Found out that 69 degrees Fahrenheit is absolute warmest I can sleep in or else I will straight up perish.
• Came to the end of myself like 14 times and received everything I needed straight from the hand of my Father in heaven.
• Learned that the chief end of an avocado is to carry everything bagel seasoning from the can to my mouth.
• Discovered part of my purpose in life is wearing velvet pants as often as possible (we’re just at the beginning of this epic new velvet pant age in my life).

2022

• Still absent-minded and forget to reply to texts, emails, and phone calls.
• Still learning to receive grace.
• Still trying not to strive so much (lol, “trying not the strive”).
• Still get discouraged and listen to the lies of despair instead of believing the gloriously light truth of Jesus.
• Still keep finding out I’m not perfect and still keep acting like it’s the End of the World^TM (for sure went and cried in my room when I found out I don’t put my dishes away like an adult human should [“Found out?” you say. “Yes, found out,” says I. One of my roommates literally had to sit down with me and tell me that I don’t put my dishes away. I would wash them, fill up the drying rack, go along my merry way, and forget about them. And then one of my roommates would put them away for me. I’m not going to say anything more than that.]).
• I did it. I changed the design of this blog again. I changed the header. And the colors. And unraveled all the work I spent in 2018 and 2019 and 2020 trying to have a cohesive “look/brand” that I was going to stick to. I threw it all out the window (if you’re reading this in your inbox, get yourself on over the main website, my faithful friend, and check out the new look; I didn’t buy this domain for no reason [but also don’t look too closely because not all the widgets have been baptized into The New Look^TM). There was no one to stop me. At least I didn’t change the name of this blog.
• Still planning on following Jesus to my dying day and beyond.

Blogging has become an antiquated form of communication, but that’s all right with my little old soul. I won’t do it much (life is too full–so much to do and so little time; I feel that pressure against my soul keenly), but I’ll do it every now and then (my goal in my bullet journal is 20 posts in 2022; we’ll see if I make it).

To anyone out there still tracking with this old rag Penprints and me, I’m back from the dead in more ways than one and of course have many, many thoughts on all matters with varying degrees of importance, helpfulness, etc..

And you know I’ll share them.

Further up and further in,

Rosalie <3

p.s. – yes, I for sure also changed my closing greeting. It had to be C.S. Lewis-ish. I’ve been signing off wrong for the last ten years of blogging. It’s fine; I fixed it now.

So I Liked a Boy [part six: please don’t chase him]

We’ve all been in this series long enough that I’m going to cut the chitchat and get straight to the nitty gritty (unless of course you haven’t been in this series; in that case, check out parts one, two, three, four, and five).

I’m a woman lady girl. So my experience in a relationship (or not being in a relationship, as is the case for this whole series?) is going to be different than a man boy guy’s.

Now, for some, this post may seem very hard. Our culture has a very boys-chase-girls, girls-chase-boys mindset. Anyone can chase anyone. But for Christians, our approach to anything cannot be like our culture’s. With everything, we’re to look to the Bible and look for God’s design.

As has been discussed at various points throughout this series, I wanted The Guy to notice me. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to try my hand a flirting with him. I wanted to give him hints that I liked him.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t tell him that I liked him.

I didn’t hint that I liked him.

I didn’t flirt with him.

I didn’t try to compliment him (even though I was heavily in the he-is-so-amazing boat).

There are two reasons why.

Reason #1: I didn’t have the confidence or self-worth to put myself out there.

For those of you who feel like this post is a no-brainer, don’t mistake a lack of self-worth/confidence for maturity. That’s what I did at first. I thought to myself, “Of course I would never try to make something happen with The Guy, not matter how much I want to. Of course he has to come to me.”

But it wasn’t trust in God behind that or understanding of God’s design for relationships or much of anything holy or biblical. What was behind it was fear. What was viewed by others as maturity was just fake maturity.

Girls pursue guys out of a hurt or a fear (Boat #1). Girls don’t pursue guys out of fear (Boat #2). And some girls don’t pursue guys because they trust God’s wisdom more than their own wisdom or desires (Boat #3). I was not sitting in Boat #3 like I thought I was; I was sailing around in Boat #2.

Girls who chase guys often have deep wounds and fears centering around self-worth, confidence, body image, insecurity, loneliness, unworthiness, etc..

Girls who don’t chase guys often also have wounds and fears centering around self-worth, confidence, body image, insecurity, loneliness, unworthiness, etc..

Some of the same root issues, but a different response.

Some women are pushed to take the lead, to initiate, to take their clothes off, to text first, to be louder, to be considered more desirable physically, to give and give, to chase and chase by fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being alone.

Some women are pushed further into themselves, to put more clothes on, to be silent, to stand by, to be doormats by fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being undesirable. Fear of being unwanted.

Neither is firmly rooted in who God is and who he has made her to be.

This is what kept me to myself at first.

Friend, if this is you, please don’t despair. And please don’t stay there. Confess your fear to someone (someone like we talked about in the last post). Pray about it. Ask Jesus to bring healing to the parts of you that this world and sin has broken—your body image, your insecurity in your personality, your passivity, your fear of others’ opinions. Ask God to reveal what is at the root of why you do not (or do) pursue guys. And ask him to be so kind as to heal it and give you the grace to turn from lies.

Reason #2: I knew it was The Guy’s job to pursue me, not the other way around.

It took a while for the truth to root down in me and reform my motives. In order to understand for myself more why I was to be pursued, to be chased, to be wooed, Jesus led me into a deeper understanding of marriage.

Paul says marriage was created as a way to show the glory of the mystery of God’s love for his Church. So many mysteries and glories lie revealed in marriage. Two people becoming one flesh (an echo of one God who exists as three Persons). A husband leading, protecting, cherishing a wife—an image of Jesus leading, protecting, and cherishing his elect. Marriage is the closest relationship two humans can share. It is a spiritual, emotional, and physical union.

Almost always, lust is seen as the marriage destroyer. And it often is. But there is a more subtle (and I daresay more dangerous) destroyer—passivity. Specifically—a husband’s passivity.

This is one of the most fundamental things sin has broken in God’s design for men and women. Not just sex—though that’s gotten plenty messed up too. But what’s been most deeply broken is how men and women relate to each other.

Look at the Bible and see it everywhere.

Adam was with Eve when the serpent tempted her. He was at the tree with her. He heard the serpent’s words and Eve’s response, and he did nothing. He let Eve eat of the tree without rebuffing Satan’s lies. He let Eve hand him some of the fruit as well.

In a lot of ways, Adam didn’t fall; he let the fall happen to him. He didn’t do anything. He was passive. He watched Eve buy into a lie that destroyed them both.

From there on out, a man’s biggest struggle with sin has been and will be a struggle against passivity.

Abraham was promised by God that he would be given a son to carry on his line. Abraham believed, but then after it didn’t happen for a long time, his wife, Sarah, took matters into her own hands. She told Abraham to sleep with her maid, and instead of leading Sarah back to God’s faithfulness and telling her he was going to trust God, he let Sarah lead him into sin. He slept with her maid (the ultimate defilement of the marriage bed of God’s design), Hagar, who then had a son, and both Hagar and her son had a dysfunctional relationship with the rest of the family for the rest of their lives, a rift that went on the span generations. God was sovereign over it and used it, as is his way, but what if Abraham had stopped it in the beginning?

Eli was a priest in the days of the prophet Samuel (right before the nation of Israel asked for their first king). He was a nice dude and raised Samuel to serve God. But Eli had two wicked sons who sinned heinously, openly, again and again. Eli knew of their sin and the destruction it wreaked, yet he did nothing. He just kind of sat there. He didn’t rebuke them as their father. He didn’t rebuke them as their high priest. And in the end, his sons met death because of their sin. Eli was warned, and he still did nothing. He didn’t lose his sons because he didn’t do anything.

David was also passive. In a sickening account, one of David’s sons raped one of David’s daughters. If that wasn’t bad enough, David did nothing. There were no repercussions. Everyone kept on living together like a big happy family. But David’s son Absalom wasn’t so passive. Absalom (the full-blooded brother of the girl raped) took revenge on the half brother who sinned so terribly against his sister and murdered him. And so David’s household spiraled and tore itself apart. Because David sinned in passivity and didn’t call out sin to be sin or seek healing and restoration for his family. His passivity ended in rape, multiple murders, and a ruined family. What sin and pain and destruction could have been avoided if David had actively led his sons?

Now let’s see the outcomes of men who weren’t passive.

Peter was assertive. And I’m not just talking about how he’d always say stuff off the cuff in the gospels. In Acts, there’s an account of a married couple who sold a piece of land and pretended to give all the money to the church when they actually kept some back for themselves (so they lied). Full of the Holy Spirit, Peter tested them, gave them a chance for an out. When they decided to continue in their lie, still full of the Holy Spirit, he called out their sin in front of everyone, and the Holy Spirit struck the couple dead for their sin. And the church was protected (at least for a time) from what the seeds of their sin could have done to the church. If he had done nothing, said nothing, that seed of stinginess, of lying, of greed, etc. could have taken root in the church. Who knows what evil could have grown out of that? One thing is certain: destruction.

Jesus. Jesus chases after his own. He initiates relationship. His is gracious but not passive. He calls out sin. He encourages and leads. He is upfront. He says things that are uncomfortable. His whole life on earth was an act of initiation, of coming down, of bending down, towards, to get to his people. If Jesus was passive, he’d wait for us to come to him. But he came to us first.

So when it comes to The Guy.

If he’s passive in the beginning, the relationship will be shaped and marked by his passivity. He won’t lead you away from sin. He’ll let things slide—not in a gracious way, but in a passive way. Grace acknowledges sin as sin and sets it aside. Passivity is silent and doesn’t want to rock the boat. It is marked with laziness, the fear of other people’s opinions (aka: the fear of man: aka: a misunderstanding of God himself), or lukewarmness.

I’ve seen it happen where a guy doesn’t like a girl. The girl hints at her affections. The girl liking the guy suddenly makes the girl appealing to the guy. He kind of seems to initiate and lead, but areas of deep passivity remain. And sin and hurt is harvested.

For me, I’ve come to truly trust God with my future, and part of that is trusting that if I ever marry, the man boy guy that he gives to me will not be passive. And one of the first markers of that will be that the dude will come for me. He will pursue me. He will woo me. Then I’ll flirt and be awkward and tell him my mind and my heart and be open to him. And I know now that I’m worth being pursued.

The Good I’ve Seen:

I see an incredible model of what a man pursuing a woman should be really clearly in my brother Luke (I’ve gotten a front-row view of his dating, engagement, and early marriage).

He initiates with Emily (my sister-in-law) so well. He is gentle. He isn’t afraid to press into the hard stuff (or if he is, it doesn’t control him/keep him silent). He pursues her, loves her, cherishes her, wants the best for her and is willing to be uncomfortable and put in the work to see her get the best because he wants nothing less than the best for her. He tells her the truth when she’s hearing lies.

When she isn’t acting herself, he doesn’t let her hide away or bury stuff she’s always buried. He has proven he will be gentle with her, so she can feel safe (or as safe as she’ll ever feel) to be fully honest. He stays up late when they both have to wake up early so that they can go to bed at peace with each other. He doesn’t let stuff sit or fester. He doesn’t leave things unsaid. He doesn’t let her leave things unsaid. He’s crazy for her. He pursued her right from the beginning.

And Emily? She is a force of her own, one to be reckoned with. She’s a leader among women, full of the Holy Spirit and his good fruit. Her heart is wholly devoted to God, and her wisdom is peaceful and gentle. She’s a catch, as the kids would say. And instead of trying to snare a husband, she just followed God. And when she liked Luke and didn’t know what the future would hold, she chose to lean on the wisdom of Jesus instead of her own.

And when they started dating, instead of forcing her own way or being consumed by fear, she let him lead her. She trusted Jesus. And she trusts Luke. Like, a lot. She loves him. She encourages him right back. She tells him the truth. She responds to him. She is a well of gentleness and meekness and joy. She is kind to him and patient with him and laughs with him. She doesn’t belittle him or poke at him. She rejoices with him and in him.

He sharpens her, and she sharpens him.

He loves and builds up the woman in her, the woman God made her to be. She loves and draws out the man in him, the man God made him to be.

For me, I’d have to say seeing their relationship unfold has perhaps been the single most influential thing to how I now view and value romantic relationships. Luke and Emily aren’t perfect, but dang they did it well, and they’re still doing it well.

Let’s wrap this up.

Does any of that not make sense? Do you have any questions or confusions? As per usual, feel free to comment or contact me directly.

With love,

Rosalie

p.s. – I think we’re finally getting to the end of this series! Next week I think we’ll be talking about The Need To Know^TM. if anything will ever come of the crush.

p.p.s. – I know that this could be a little controversial. Even in the Church there isn’t agreement about what man-woman relationships should be, but after following Jesus for over fifteen years, this type of model is the one that I believe most follows the path God intended for marriage.

p.p.p.s. – a shout-out to Luke and Emily for being The Best^TM and also consenting to me fangirling about them on the internet.

So I Liked a Boy [part five: talking with others about your crush]

Here we be with part five of Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up So I Liked a Boy. For anyone just now joining this Reynolds Pamphlet of a party, here are the first four parts: one, two, three, and four.

Now, let’s keep on rolling.

So, the Stirrings^TM started July 4, 2019, but I didn’t speak of it to anyone until September-ish. As I’ve mentioned many many many times before, I was embarrassed. However, being a human girl after all, I also felt like I had some sort of Delicious Secret. And whenever a human girl has some sort of Delicious Secret (even when the Delicious Secret doubles as a Deep Dark Secret), she wants to tell someone.

You know what I mean?

My crush was my Deep Dark Secret. Some days I was like, “I will take this thing to. my. grave.” I never wanted anyone to know my shame (this was before I knew a lil’ crush was nothing to be ashamed of).

My crush was also my Delicious Secret. Cue the manic giggling and the daydream where I told everyone (including The Guy) about it through an epic lip-sync battle. What a mic drop that would be, amiright. That’s a true story, kids. It was either confession-by-lip-sync-battle or confession-by-somehow-taking-bullet-for-some-small-children. H.E.R.O.I.C.

But, at this point in the timeline I was low-key losing my mind. I was daydreaming. I was distracted at church. I wanted to see The Guy all the time. But whenever I did see the guy, I wanted the fastest way out of there. I was just starting to pray about it. I wanted to date The Guy. I wanted to show him my favorite movies and let him read all my stories.

I also wanted to be single forever. I was also afraid I was discontent in singleness because I had a crush. So I also felt like I was failing Jesus, which is one of my most debilitating fears. But I also wanted Jesus’ will to be for me to marry The Guy. So much fear rose up too—that The Guy would never like me back, that I’m undesirable, that I was liking out of my league, that he liked some other girl, that no guy would ever like me, etc..

I was swinging between extremes, getting lost and tangled up in my own mind. Unspoken things tend to loom larger and larger the longer they’re unspoken Someone once told me that fears always get exaggerated in your head. That’s exactly where I was.

So there I was—closed off in a type of isolation by all the fear tangled up with my Deep Dark Secret. But, by Jesus’ grace (and do I do very much mean that), my girlish tendencies won out (girls want to talk about boys). So I told a friend my Delicious Secret.

But Why?

At the time, I didn’t understand it to be God’s kindness to me that I would crack and tell someone. I just thought it was me being a goofy girl. In hindsight, though, I see why he allowed me to act out of a junior high girl mindset.

Here’s why God wanted me to tell someone (this is also probably why he’d want you to tell someone too if you like a someone right now and haven’t spoken of it):

Because fears get exaggerated in your head and the unspoken things loom larger the longer they’re unspoken (remember this one from way back four paragraphs ago?).

Because, for Christians, a lone ranger is a dead ranger.

Because how can another Christian speak truth into your life if you’re hiding things (even something “little” like a crush).

Because Christians are supposed to be in transparent relationship with other Christians, and the transparent part is so important for every Christian’s mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Before sin even came into the world, God said it wasn’t good for people to be alone because we’re made in the image of one God who is three Persons in the Trinity who have had community with each other always.

Because pride and self-reliance dictate silence (and then self-destruction), but humility seeks out help.

Because I’d rather be fully known and fully loved than keep secrets and not be able to believe people would love me as I really am.

But Who?

Now, I didn’t just run around telling everyone. That’s also God’s kindness to me. I only told a few people at first.

One thing before we get into some things to consider when telling others: if you’re not talking about your crush with God, you probably shouldn’t be talking about it with others yet. As with most of this whole series, this is not a hard and fast rule, but a recommendation because if you flee to people for help before you flee to God, you’ve got some things reversed. Go to God and people (“people” being a blanket term for a mature Christian usually of the same gender).

First, some probably nots.

(These are not disqualifiers or meant to be condemning; they’re just signs maybe the person isn’t in the best, healthiest spot to listen and offer godly encouragement.)

Not your boy-crazy, relationship-idolizing, constantly dating friend. This is not a condemnation; godly wisdom simply dictates that this person would not be able to offer the best crush/relationship advice.

Not The Guy (or, if you’re a guy, not The Girl; we’ll talk more about this next week). Even if they’re one of your best friends, don’t tell them. This will be what we talk about in more detail next week.

Not someone you know will egg on your crush. What you need is a mature ear and gentle, wise counsel, not a hype person.

Not someone who tends to gossip. You’d just be setting yourself up for hurt.

Not someone struggling with their own singleness. Again, this is not a rule, but just something to consider: would it be helpful for that person struggling in their own singleness to try to encourage and counsel you through your crush?

Not close friends of the one for whom you have Stirrings^TM. If they’re also some of your closest friends, maybe yes, but if not, just don’t. That’s unhelpful to everyone involved.

Now, for some probably yeses.

Probably someone who loves God a lot. If they truly love God, if they’re truly a Christian, that means they have his Holy Spirit. And that means they are more in tune with love and truth than someone who isn’t a Christian.

Probably someone who knows you and loves you a lot. Then everything they say and do in regards to this delicate matter will be done out of love.

Probably someone wiser/more mature than you are. Think of that person in small group who you look up to as what a Christian should speak and live like. Think of that person who you’ve heard make difficult subjects simple and easy to understand. Think of that person who is a little farther along in their life with Jesus than you are.

Probably someone who reminds you of Jesus (and, remember, you have to know Jesus to be reminded of him by someone).

Probably someone who is prone to gentleness/graciousness of speech. Wouldn’t you rather their words be like honey to you?

Probably someone who has told you (gently and out of love) something you didn’t want to hear before. This person will not cave to people-pleasing to try and make you happy.

Probably someone who trusts God more than they trust their own words. Meaning, they entrust their friends to God instead of trying to save/help/fix everyone themselves. Those who trust God and his power and his work more than their own will be slow to speak.

You want to tell someone about your crush who is going to shoot you straight, someone who fits Proverbs’ pictures of a friend, someone who will meet you with truthful encouragement and grounding grace, not vain optimism (note: there is a difference between real encouragement and baseless, flimsy optimism).

Note for the younger people: lots of church kids get told to tell their parents about their crush, and I’m all for this and believe that a parent/teen or parent/preteen relationship that is according to the Bible and God’s design would be a safe, wise place to go! However, if your parents A) aren’t Christians B) don’t have a safe, healthy, godly, loving relationship with you and/or C) are not regularly seeking God through Bible reading, prayer, and worship, tell the people who do fit those criteria instead.

If your crush hangs around for a month or so, talk to someone(s). It’ll be really helpful!

Do you have someone in mind? Someone who is like Jesus—full of grace and truth?

Now, tell them. Tell them what you’re afraid of. Tell them what you hope for. Don’t ask them if they think The Guy (or The Girl) likes you back because that’s unhelpful for you and for them. Don’t ask them if they think anything will come of it because there’s no way for them to know. Just open up your mind and heart to them and ask them to pray for you and speak truth to your fears.

In the beginning, I only told three people—all mature Christians, all full of grace and truth. Strangely, over time, as the novelty and fear and such gave way to trusting Jesus, I grew more comfortable telling a few more friends when it seemed helpful or relevant because I came to realize that it actually wasn’t that big of a deal even though it became something very formative for me. I told some who The Guy was, others I simply shared that I liked a boy.

I hope that this is helpful for some of you! What are you thinking now?

With love,

Rosalie

p.s. – sorry this post is late again! I need to stop making plans for Monday nights. *facepalm*

p.p.s. – next week’s post will be about why I didn’t chase The Guy or try to make anything happen with him. Be there or be square.

p.p.p.s. – for those hanging in for this series: are there any questions or things that seem unclear or haven’t been talked about that you would like to see addressed? Comment or contact me directly! <3

p.p.p.p.s. – I also took the liberty of starting to use #soilikedaboy as an official hashtag because this thing is basically turning into a book.